The Hype Man for the Job
I’m confident that the archetypical hype man is actually a hype woman. Think about the last time that someone hyped you—when someone pointed out some skill or accomplishment you possessed and told the world about it? If it wasn’t your wife or mother you’re a lucky man.
I've realized that women are way better than men at hyping their friends. I don't know if it's because we tend to see each other through the lens of competition and rivalry, or if it feels too vulnerable to say something like "Hey my friend is really talented and I'm proud of him. Go check out what he has done!" In real life and online, women tend to comment, like, share, and hype each other more than we do.
We could all use some hype, though, couldn’t we? Sure, we want to dig deep within ourselves for validation so we don’t outsource it to any and everyone else, but a slap on the back would feel pretty good. If you’re reading this newsletter, chances are you’re working hard to develop your career, to love your spouse and children well, to take care of your body, and maybe even cultivate a few interests along the way. We all need someone to notice our hard work and unique contributions. If you’re in a leadership position at work or self-employed, you may find yourself in a scarcity of hype.
This is where friends are supposed to come in. They are the ones who don’t get paid to hype us up. But we have a scarcity of friendships too. We may have men in our lives that we see socially on a somewhat regular basis. But these are what Arthur Brooks calls “deal friends.” Few of us have what he calls “real friends.” Friends are not just people we watch sports on TV with or drink with or network with. Friends are people who have our back, who let us in, and don’t let us down. Most of us have precious few of either type of friend and sometimes feel afraid to deepen the friendships we have.
I’ve decided to be the hype I want to see in the world; to start telling the world about the good, creative things my friends are involved in; to encourage the men I admire; to look other men in the eyes and say, “I’m proud of you.”
I started this week with a Facebook post, because, well, that’s how we shout it from the rooftops these days. I shared my friend’s new substack and some of the ways he has encouraged me over the years. Maybe I was expecting fireworks or a chorus of “hear! hear!" It will come as no surprise to you that it was engaged mostly by my friend’s mom and her female friends. Sigh.
So find someone to hype this week. Maybe it starts with a social media post. Maybe it’s a toast to a friend’s promotion at work to let him know you’re proud of him. Maybe you’re just taking the first step and inviting a couple of friends you haven’t seen in a while to join you for a happy hour. Whatever it is, take a step this week toward friendships. Your wife and kids, your career, and your health will be okay. I doubt you’ll regret it.
This week’s Second Mountain Questionnaire comes from one of my oldest friends, Jeremy Goodwyne. Jeremy and I have been friends since the day we left home and moved to college—providence paired us as roommates so we met the day we moved into the dorms. Jeremy’s creativity has been an inspiration to me over the years and I’m honored to call him a friend, even though I mostly see him now over Marco Polo and a yearly lake trip. You’ll appreciate the honesty and wisdom he brought to the questionnaire below, especially on the areas of marriage and work, and don’t miss those links to his creative projects. In other words, Jeremy is really talented and I'm proud of him. Go check out what he has done!
Godspeed,
Joshua
The Second Mountain is a metaphor for any transition when your life shifts from striving to becoming—when external success gives way to deeper meaning, and your priorities move from achievement to alignment.
SECOND MOUNTAIN QUESTIONNAIRE
Jeremy Goodwyne
Introduce yourself with a short bio:
I’m the Director of Worship at Uptown Church in Charlotte, NC where I’ve lived with my family for 15 years. I perform around town as a solo act and I also front a local cover band, Brother Watts, that mostly specializes in 90’s alt rock. In 2024 I teamed up with Nashville singer/songwriter and producer Jeremy Casella to record an album of retuned hymns and original songs, and I released the album Firstfruits in the fall of 2024. You can find me online at jeremygoodwynemusic.com.
1. What’s something you loved doing as a kid that you wish you did more of now?
When I was a kid my next door neighbor had tons of these Warhammer wargames miniatures. They were metal orcs, goblins, wizards, knights and other fantasy characters and you would paint them to look real. There was a game that you were supposed to play with the pieces but I don’t recall every playing it. We just loved painting these tiny figurines. I must have been 10 years old or so. But I’ve often thought back on that time and wanted to do that again. Similarly, but perhaps less obscure, was making model cars and planes. We would get these plastic kits and you used this surely toxic glue that smelled delightfully like chemical orange. Once it was assembled, you’d paint it. So building toys and painting them I guess is what I wish I did more of.
2. What do you wish you’d learned ten years ago?
That it’s really easy to completely compartmentalize sex and intimacy, and you can find yourself way into marriage with a vast divide between them. Whether because of porn culture or purity culture, these things can become so separate it’s hard to even imagine them taking place at the same time.
3. Have you experienced a fall, transition, or disruption that changed your direction (e.g. burnout, divorce, loss, crisis of purpose)? How did you get through?
I’ve been in my current job for over 15 years, which is a really long time compared to most people I know. And it was my first “big boy” job out of grad school. 5 years into my job I ended up sideways with my boss and nearly lost my job. Feeling young and without any power, I responded to this threat by changing everything about my approach to my job. Instead of trying to be a good worship director, I focused on making my boss happy no matter what. I did that for 5 years and it hollowed me out. My church then went through a painful crisis and change of leadership that left me realizing how empty I was in my calling, and thinking I would have to find a different line of work. Honestly, the way I got through that period was by erecting some boundaries between my personal life and my work life. Some of those boundaries should have already existed, but I also learned to distrust church leadership in that time. So boundaries and self-protection got me through. That and starting a local cover band to play rock and roll.
4. What relationships, practices, or callings feel central to your *second mountain?
After our church fell apart we were blessed with an interim senior pastor, John Sittema, an old Dutch Reformed Chicagoan. He came in like a priestly shepherd moving toward hurting sheep, hearing their sorrows, binding up their wounds. He saw me and poured into me in a way I had never experienced. Due in large part to his wisdom and grace, I have spent the last 5 years not only recovering my earlier passion for worship ministry, but learning to embrace my creativity rather than bemoan my lack of discipline. The album I recorded last year was a major milestone in that work of recovery, and having an older saint invest in me and encourage me in my gifts was central to that. The title of my album, Firstfruits, pays homage to John. He talks about the Old Testament Feast of Firstfruits corresponding to what we know as Easter and that early Christians referred to Easter as “Firstfruits.” The picture of resurrection, of new life growing out of something dead, felt very much in line with the creative work I was doing.
5. What do you want more of in life in the next five years?
Definitely more creativity. More writing and recording and arranging. I’m in a place professionally now where the people I work with recognize that as being where I excel and they want to equip and unleash me to do that. So that is absolutely my focus.
6. What piece of content do you wish every man knew about?
The book The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron. This book is legendary and is not only for people who conceive of themselves as artists. It has been revolutionary for people from so many professions. It is not really a religious book, but Cameron comes from the presupposition that people are created to create. It is really kind of a workbook with tons of prompts for writing exercises, but the most fruitful and central practice she promotes is a daily ritual called “morning pages” where you wake up and write three pages of unfiltered, unedited, stream of consciousness material. Her goal is creative recovery and her belief is that everyone needs it.
7. This last question is brought, pay-it-forward style, from David Zahl. What, if anything, is distinctly good and distinctly male, and how do I cultivate that in my teenage sons?
Man, this is a hard question. I feel like you can talk about attributes that are on average more prevalent in males, but distinctly male? Among qualities that are more prevalent in males, there are many that are good and that I want to foster in my son. One quality I’ve wanted for him since he was born is that of a protector and defender. I want to teach him to be in tune to when the weak or disadvantaged around him feel threatened. I want him to move toward them, willing to take blows on their behalf. I don’t want him to be pugnacious or looking for a fight, I just want him to use what strength he has to shield those who don’t have it. That’s not a uniquely male quality by any means, but I suppose the roles of protector and defender have historically been more often men, at least in western societies.
FRIENDSHIP
Where Have All My Deep Male Friendships Gone?
By Sam Graham-Felsen in The New York Times, May 2025.
Takeaway: I know many men, myself included, who will relate to this article. I sometimes wonder if the reason why podcasts are so popular right now is because we get to sit in on the types of conversations we really want to be having. For most men I work with, friendships are something we both desire and fear, but we don’t know where to start. I’m remembering my new year’s resolution to start a monthly happy hour with some local friends…there’s still time to start!
Best Line: “I know I’m still capable of connecting deeply with friends, but it would be a stretch to say that I’m close to them the way I once was. I hardly ever talk on the phone with my friends, and rarely spend time with them one-on-one. On the rare occasion that I do, it’s usually in the context of — or rather, under the pretext of — watching a game. Then, with eyes directed at a screen, we discuss topics: politics, podcasts, food, fitness routines, the game itself. Maybe we’ll playfully smack-talk a fellow friend, or commiserate about some schleppy aspect of parenthood. Rarely (as in, never) do we turn to each other and ask: “How are you doing?”
Most men I know say they’d like to hang out more but don’t have time. They have little kids or demanding jobs or both, and if they have a second to breathe, they’re going to spend it with their partners. One friend says, only somewhat jokingly: “I have a family now. Why would I want to hang out with friends? What would I get out of it? What are we even going to talk about? It just feels kind of contrived.” Another friend recently transitioned out of a high-stress career. With more free time, he has been trying to see friends more, but, he says: “There’s a stigma around asking another man to hang out. It feels higher stakes for me than it does for my wife.”
To me, these conversations get at the real reason so many men struggle with friendship. It isn’t that we don’t have the time — it’s that we don’t have the energy. There are so many unspoken, byzantine bylaws to male friendship, and there’s an ever-present, low-level fear of running afoul of them. For example, I’ve become less and less willing to tell my friends when I’m sad and suffering, because I don’t want them to see me as soft and needy. But I’ve also become more hesitant to reach out to them, even when I know they are sad and suffering, because I’m afraid of seeming intrusive, or making them feel soft and needy.”
CONVERSATION PROMPT
What are you most proud of in your personal or professional life?
Ask a friend, coworker, or spouse. Be curious. Ask a follow–up question.